Why?

Why write letters to my dead dad?  Valid question - and he'd be the first to ask.  

I decided to do this after the one year anniversary of his death.  My mom, sisters and I all wrote letters to my dad and read them at an inurnment service on August 3, 2011 (the anniversary).  I wasn't sure what to say or where to start, so I just told him about the past year - the big things that I did, what led me to do them, how I felt, etc.  After reading the letter and really feeling like I was telling him, it felt as if a huge weight had just been lifted off my shoulders.

To say my dad was a huge part of my life would be an understatement.  He retired when I was in elementary school and was a stay-at-home dad ever since.  He coached my little league teams, was at every one of my high school swim meets, helped me with my homework, taught me to play poker - 100% hands on, all the time.  

But it wasn't just that he was always around.  I had an immeasurable amount of respect for him, and for those of you who knew him, you probably understand why.  He was incredibly brilliant and had an amazing perspective on life - he lived it to the fullest and treated others with unparalleled respect.  (I realize that my use of superlatives for every adjective may come off as exaggerating, but it is intentional, as in this case it is the absolute truth!).  I could go on and on and give example after example, but I will leave it at my work for now.

So, because of his great influence on my life (both from being uber-involved and from being the person to whom I've always looked up to most in my life), losing him and living life without him has been difficult.  I definitely consider myself self-sufficient and capable of making decisions and living life on my own, but I always valued his input and support tremendously, so at times I can feel somewhat lost or incomplete without it.

Which brings me back to writing letters.  From August 3, 2010 to August 3, 2011, I probably went through more changes than I ever had in my life, and I definitely experienced emotions that I didn't know existed.  The hardship of dealing with all of that was compounded by the fact that my dad wasn't there to help (which of course was the reason for this in the first place - it's like a perpetuating cycle).  After writing about my year and "catching him up to speed," I felt like I had had a long conversation with my dad about everything and that now he was somehow included in all of my doings over the past year.  

I anticipate that other changes in my life will come - job, living, marriage?, kids??? - and that they will feel "off" without him.  Not that I won't feel confident making the changes without him or that the outcomes won't be joyous, exciting and wonderful, but that he won't be here amid everything in the capacity I always hoped/expected.  The goal of writing these letters is for my life to feel the least "off" possible.  I hope that each one gives me the same feeling I had after reading the first one at his grave...I could now take a big, long, deep breath.  My mind was clear.